Monday, January 21, 2008

Stage 2 Army Training - GUNS GUNS GUNS!

Firstly an apology for not updating this sooner, this week has been pretty busy and i haven't been able to eat my lunch fast enough to have the time free to post!

Any way, the past week. As the title suggests it has FINALLY involved some firearms, but much to my dissapointment they were replica weapons ('specially considering it has replica written down the side of the gun, and Desert Eagle on mine.... sorry Movie Quote - Prize to the first comment posted with the right answer!)

Basically I had to train for Weapons Handling, most of you know I cant handle my weapon at the best of times!! You will all be happy to know (Especially Simon with his Nigerian Kidnap comming up soon) that I have passed my course and am now able to compentently handle a vast array of wepons.

Next week sees the chance to get on the range for some real life 'rootin tootin Gun shootin' I'm still working on who I should 'imagine' the targets are to help me hit the spot everytime, again Suggestions Please!

Anyway - Off to polish my boots (for the perfect shine to your boots please see Day 5) and must get my wash kit presentable ready for hygine inspection.

Hopefully I can keep the updates going this week,
Bye for now,
The Captain!

Monday, January 14, 2008

Basic Army Training - HAS FINISHED!!

Yes you read it right, the past week of the real basics was hard work but now its over! Im getting ever closer to the Guns maybe i shall actually get to hold one or even see one soon!!

Hope you are all having good weekends with your'e freedom, prison, sorry Training isnt treating me too well :-( But...

We did get to watch some TV today, well not live but a number of DVD's...

Today we spent the day watching Bear Grylls. As part of our training we are taught that once you’re in the army; you’re in for life. You look out for each other. Now Bear left the army for a career in TV showing his exploits as a survival expert.

BUT, hes a pussy.
He can’t do a single piece without it being set up. He’s never really stranded in the wild, he stays in hotels overnight. But being ex army we’re on hand to help out.
The Army approached the best there is, the great RAY MEARS. He sets everything up!
A stunt man is used for nearly all of Bear's shots; and sometimes we are those stunt men.
When the army are too busy to help out CGI is used.
Whether its parachuting, making shelter or cooking his food, it’s the Army that’s always on hand.

The Sgt. Majors saying actually got a laugh 'Only queers don’t like Ray Mears' BRILLIANT!! Even Lacey couldn't have thought that up.
Bet thats an eye opener for you, certainly was for me!
Hope everyone is well, speak soon and untill next week - goodbye

The Captain!

Basic Army Training Day 5 - The Shoe Shine

A funny note to start, I got some of the shoe polish and made myself up in 'camo' I looked great!, thinking this might be a good tactic for when I try and raid the Gun store this week!

Shoe Shine

A quick guide on how to get high gloss parade standard shoes to be proud of!

Preparation:" Remove any previous attempts to polish your shoes by using a shoe brush or some other drastic measure, like scraping the polish off with the edge of an old cassette case "

Dip your brush in Kiwi Black and polish the whole of the shoe. Brush off the polish with a soft brush or cloth. Repeat for the toecap.

Shining:" Fold your cloth into a triangle and wrap it around your index-finger so that the cloth under it is smooth - this will avoid smears and scratches later " Dab the cloth in some clean water, ensuring that the water soaks into the cloth " Place a small amount of polish onto the wet part of the cloth and work the polish into the leather in a circular motion working in a regular pattern around the toecap " You may need to put just a touch more water on the cloth if it feels like it is starting to grate. " A good shine on a new pair of shoes should take anywhere between 30 and 60 minutes

Caring for your shine" All you need to do now is to make sure nobody scuffs them, stands on them or spills anything on them. " Keep out of reach of little peoples sticky hands " Keep a cloth over them to keep off dust. Some people pull socks over but you risk scratching your toecaps that way. . " To get rid of any swirls of polish on your toecaps, run them under the cold tap while rubbing the toecap with pure cotton wool. Things you will need:-" Some Elbow Grease !!" 1 x tin of Kiwi Black Parade Gloss " 2 x shoe brushes " 1 x good quality cloth " small amount of water

Useful tips

Once you start getting a good shine on your shoe, breathe over the entire toecap so that your breath condenses on the toecap. Continue rubbing the shoe with your cloth until there is no sign of smearing polish.
If your polish is old or has white specks on it then it is time to replace it as it will not be very effective.
Instead of using a good quality cloth, you could use small swabs of pure cotton wool. Make sure it says so on the packet as cheaper cotton wool is mixed with other coarser materials which produce scratches on highly polished toecaps.

Never use spit instead of water as spit is greasy and will make your toecaps look grey.

DO NOT use naked flames from any source to melt or light the polish! If any one ever suggests it then ignore them. It is highly dangerous and removes the nutrients from the polish that protect the leather.

Off to get ready for the weekend where I'm told we may get some 'downtime'

The Captain!

Friday, January 11, 2008

Basic Army Training Day 4 - Brace yourself....

it's going to be dry, warned the Sgt Major as he peeled back the seal of his rations pouch, today’s delight, powdered mash and cabbage. Not exactly French gourmet cuisine I thought.

Apart from good food, guns are the other thing I am becoming increasingly desperate to clap eyes on (not those sort Dan!).

Also becoming aware of the lack of women. There are no women on camp, apart from the regimental mascot, Shirly the goat. I’ve been here almost 5 days, 5 weeks is going to be tough. As I sit here furiously polishing my buckles starting to wish I’d joined the navy, at least there is the promise of a girl in every port, what good is this uniform if there are no admiring females to show it off too!!

Chaps, please send emergency rations in the form of Baywatch DVD’s and maybe the odd episode of Knight Rider for good measure.

Will post Saturday so have a nice evening Friday Night and Enjoy the Weekend if you dont check back until Monday.

The Captain!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Basic Army Training Day 3 - How to Brush Your Teeth

I have been strongly advised that I should not be getting Gun's anywhere near me at this days training apparently Guns and your mouth dont mix!

Anyway on we go...
Richard Hammond Here I Come!

Brushing Teeth

Something you should do after every meal. Most people do it after breakfast and after dinner. Sargent Mjr says we should do it more often and then we wouldn't have so many cavities.

To brush your teeth, obtain a specially designed bristled device called a toothbrush (it need not be an electric toothbrush but that can help, or at least be more entertaining, unless you need to be silent then it would inevitably cause your death!)

Put some specially flouridated minty gel (also known as toothpaste) onto the toothbrush, and rub over your teeth.

Note that brushing randomly is not good.
Instead, for the front teeth, brush from the gums down for the top teeth, and from the gums upwards for the bottom teeth.
The back molars can be rubbed in a circular motion with the toothbrush.

After you have succeeded in brushing your teeth, you may find that flossing will help clean nasty leftover bits of food and plaque from between your teeth.

Happy brushing!

PS. Dan, this is as exciting as it gets mate - roll on the shooting people part :-)

The Captain!

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Basic Army Training Day 2 - How to Take a Shower

I’m back again after another Days Training, I’m told guns aren’t included in this week’s training, however I was able to show off some Guns of another sort which would have made Dan proud!

Anyway, today was re-freshing to say the least... How to Take the Perfect Shower

1. Take off all your clothes and put them on the racks provided
2. Turn the water on and let it get to a comfortable temperature for yourself before you get in. Just get the hell in there solider
3. Once you get in the shower get your entire body wet
4. Start from the top, Wash your hair with Shampoo – rinse
5. Put conditioner in your hair – What are you, a NANCY BOY!
6. Put body soap on your wash rag and wash your body starting from the top, wash both arms, torso, both legs, Be sure to pay particular attention to your bum crack, beneath your foreskin and other crevices.
7. Using face soap , wash your face
8. Dry yourself off good while still standing in the shower bay so as not to make puddles on the floor outside the shower bay.

Tip, You’ll score additional brownie points with your Sgt. Major if you dry the shower walls after you're done with your shower bay.
Hope you are all enjoying the blog, it certainly gives me something rewarding to do while waiting for the morning wake up calls! Off to the mess now.

Back tomorrow!!
Cadet Captain Joyce

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Basic Army Training Day 1 - Making My Bed

Havent got any guns yet... still waiting but for now here is my first days training covered.

Begin with the bed made but not entirely together.
That is, you want your fitted sheet on the mattress, and, centered over that, the flat sheet, followed by whatever blankets, comforters, quilts, etc., that you so desire.

Tuck the sandwich of flat sheet and blankets underneath the foot of the mattress. (Short-sheeting will be covered some other day, class.) Now you've got a bed that's neat at the bottom but messy on the sides. Sort of like a late 1980's mullet. But I digress.

Start at whichever side you prefer. There'll be a lumpish bit of overhanging cloth. Smooth that out and down along the side of the bed. It will come to a point and then double back on itself. Holding on to the point, bring it first out (perpendicular to the bed) and then back (paralleling the bed once more, only closer to you than before.)

If you're familiar with origami, you've just performed what I believe is called a mountain fold. At any rate, you've now basically formed a triangle with the overhanging cloth. Tuck the bottom half of the triangle under the mattress, and let the top half fall. Repeat on the other side.

That's it. You're done. Hope everyone is well.

Untill tomorrow!
The Captain